Being a Rock Star

I have to admit, I never wanted to be a rock star. For anyone who knows me, I really just don't fit the bill. I have no punk, no attitude, no anything that is needed to be a rock star. I laugh even just thinking about jumping into a crowd of people and body surfing.

Today was day one of two for my end-of-instruction testing. I hate the name of the test. What do you think I'm going to do for the next 20 school days? Let the kids sleep??? Anyway, it was a long day of just trying to dot my i's and cross my t's as I try to get all of my paperwork just right and not lose my teaching license in the process. (FYI, I did make a couple of minor errors, but nothing that I'd lose my license over.) I was really feeling a bit insecure today during the test, the test that I am NOT allowed to see even though 25 students in my room are taking, when I noticed things that I wasn't sure that I had reinforced enough recently. It's not like I saw the exact questions, but when there are big graphs on the page and you look up, there they are and you can't help but seeing them.

Near the end of my fourth hour, a student signals me over and gives me a note. Before even taking it, I asked to make sure she wasn't giving me a question from the test, and she wasn't. Her note reads as follows:

Miss Davis,

Hi! Well, I'm done with my EOI and I found 5 answers that were wrong when I looked back. But I just wanted to let you know that you're a Math Rock Star. I can't speak for everyone, but I think we were more than prepared and you did your job and I wanted to thank you!

When I read that, I can't even tell you how amazed and touched that I was. I was thrilled that she felt well-prepared, especially since she isn't a stellar student. I was truly impressed that she went back and thoroughly checked her work. But, when I re-read it, I realized that I liked being a "Math Rock Star." I don't know exactly what that means, per se, but I think it must have something to do with leaving a lasting impression on a person. One of my professional goals at the beginning of the year was to create a safe and effective learning environment; someplace where mistakes can be seen as a component of learning. I knew going into that goal, that I'd never fully accomplish it this year--I have too many moody days where I just don't have enough patience to see that through. But I received "Rock Star" status, at least with one student, and I feel like that is truly reaching and exceeding my goal. Some days I have to wonder why I do what I do, and doubt and inadequacy don't even begin to describe what I feel on those days. That note filled me with the energy, confidence, and sense of being that this math teacher can only imagine a musician (or rock star) feels when they walk out onto the stage. You breathe and in that moment you know why you are alive.

Test Anxiety

In just over a week, I give my students the End of Instruction (EOI) test for Algebra 1. I prepare them all year for this test. I demand excellence, and I expect them to learn. It is so difficult for me to trust them to do their best. Maybe because their best isn't my best. Even though these tests appear on the students' transcripts, their success (let's be optimistic) is really a reflection on me. Wouldn't you get nervous if someone else was taking your test? It is one thing to prepare yourself for a test, but it is a whole other situation to teach someone so that they can be successful on the test. I'm experiencing so much anxiety about this this year. For several days I haven't been sleeping through the night. I actually wake up worried about teaching certain types of problems: quadratics, geometry type questions, etc. I really have to ask myself why these test scores really matter (besides No Child Left Behind). In even five years, will it really matter how well my students do on this test? Will it matter how well I do on this test?

To what lengths?

I realized today to what extent I want my students to succeed. I was teaching the quadratic formula and in an effort to help my kids come to a place where they could remember it, I sang them a song. Me--singing by myself in front of a bunch of people. Have I totally lost my mind? Thank God for two years of Dr. Carver! Before you know it, I'm going to be cutting a record full of math songs to the tunes of all of our favorite children's songs. I'll be a millionaire!!! I think I'm catching a dream. :)

The product of struggle

I’m proud of myself. I bought a new lawn mower today. I’ve been needing one for quite some time. The truth is I have a lawn mower, but I just bought a cheap one from Wal-Mart the first time. Since day one, that lawn mower never worked right. It is so difficult to start, and if you know me at all, starting a lawn mower isn’t a difficult challenge for me like it is with most women. I should have returned the lawn mower back then, but I didn’t. For over four years, I have struggled and struggled against this lawn mower. I don’t easily shirk away from a struggle; typically I persevere and the struggle becomes easier. I think that is why I didn’t want to buy this lawn mower today, and yet it is ultimately why I did buy it.

Why is it that we have to struggle to really accomplish or learn anything of substance? I don't really know anyone who likes struggle. Struggle is hard. Struggle is not fun. Most people (and that includes me) try to avoid struggle as much as possible because of this. And yet, it is through our struggles that we develop perseverance and ultimately character. The product of struggle is greater than the pain that we experience in the moment. The product of the struggle out-lives the difficulty.

I have many areas where I am struggling right now. It seems like I've been struggling with some of these for a very long time. I often wonder if I will ever conquer them. To be honest, I'm tired of struggling with my weight and with issues of self-worth. I know that I can't conquer these on my own and that I need the help of God. Yes, I want to get through these as easily as possible, but maybe I need to change my view of this. Maybe I just need to pray and ask God to just give me the grace to struggle well. I wonder what the product of the struggle will bring out of me?